"Only Scars in Heaven are on the Hands that hold you now"
Recently I was able to have a night out with some friends that was needed more than I knew. While I know that working through grief can be exhausting, I am not immune to struggling through it myself. It was so good to hear to message again, that it is ok to not be ok. Yes, I say again as I have heard this, thought this, read this and yet at times still fell into the ways of feeling weak and vulnerable beyond measure and found myself closing my emotions off.
I went to a Casting Crowns concert. I have leaned towards Christian music since the passing of my daughter. As each year goes by, my love for it grows more. It allows me to hear the power of the scripture that speaks to me in an un-expected life altering way through the lyrics.
“If I had only known the last time would be the last time
I would've put off all the things I had to do
I would've stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter
Now what I'd give for one more day with you”
Those are the opening lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Casting Crowns, “Scars in Heaven.” The lyrics speak right into my heart and brings me comfort that our child is no longer suffering.
“But I know you're in a place where all your wounds have been erased
And knowing yours are healed is healing mine."
The concert was exactly 5 years when our daughter took a turn with her medical condition. I felt something wasn’t right with our daughter while she was on day 3 of that particular hospitalization. That evening my daughter and I got on a fixed wing plane while my husband started his 100 mile journey to meet us at the children’s hospital. She had been on several flights previously, but this one felt different.
“I know the road you walked was anything but easy
You picked up your share of scars along the way
Oh, but now you're standing in the sun, you've fought your fight and your race is run. The pain is all a million miles away”
While her race is done, I’m running mine through With Angel Wings and Braylee Butterflies until I’m with her in heaven. I am who I am because of her. Every inch of good in me is because of everything she taught me in her 5 years on earth.
“There's not a day goes by that I don't see you
You live on in all the better parts of me
Until I'm standing with you in the sun, I'll fight this fight and this race I'll run
Until I finally see what you can see,”
The race we are running continues to go the distance. Braylee Butterflies Comfort Cart was launched last spring. Our first instalment on our endowment fund for Sanford Children’s was able to kick off our effort and provides activities for patient, siblings, and parents to engage in during hospitalization This cart is also stocked with items to promote lasting memories and support emotional needs.
We have also been able to financially assist families on medical costs throughout the year with Braylee Butterflies Family Assistance Fund.
We wouldn’t be able to grow our efforts without every one of you supporting our cause.
Grief is hard. There are no words to erase our earthly pain, but there is an eternal reality where our loved ones are being held perfectly whole by our Savior. We need to ask God to help relief us from all the reminders of the suffering. We need to focus on where they are now. Having HOPE for eternal life and the only scars in heaven are the ones holding them now.
” the thought that makes me smile now even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the Hands that hold you now
Five years with you doesn’t seem real. But I can smile knowing your pain and suffering is done. You can be the child you deserved to be. We love you and miss you Braylee Jo.